PVS

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For those that have eyes to see, for those that can hear, for those that can read.
But, mostly - for those that can still feel...

Sometimes I wish I could die...young. But you are keeping me alive...alive in this state of agony. I am dead because I don`t see any action grabbing my attention. And all the life is going on around me in a blurish joy. You are keeping me prisoner, a prisoner with a special treatment. I have food and water, I have warmth and comfort. I`m like a puppet in your arms. You struggle to keep me alive, to make me move and smile. You turn my arms to embrace you, you keep my lips soft so I won`t become a corpse. But, I`m not awaken. My eyes are gazing in the deepest of your eyes. You want me to see you. But, all I can see is me – agonizing. I am static and all around me is alive. When you push yourself holding my body I can feel warm, I can feel how this warmth is penetrating my cells with the lie of life. But inside me everything is dead. There is no pulse in my veins, no energy to move into life. And I feel sorry for you, for all your fight. And all you can get from me is a tear, caressing my cheek seeping in my ear. And you think it is love, or melancholy for all the beauty I could get if I could be more active.

“You don`t get me!” I scream in my head.
And you don`t hear me. And you don`t understand me. And all you want is keeping me alive by all means, when all I want is to die, and find peace.
“You will be free!” but you don`t hear me.
Maybe you don`t want to be free.

Some days ago you told me you love me in a way I was always expected you to say when I was more vibrant. I never thought such beautiful words could be so painful. How can you love me so much now, so late when I am a plastic bag lying in bed forcefully closed and popped by an artificial thread? When I was laughing, singing and jumping in your arms, when I was holding you tight and looking deep into your eyes I was waiting for these words to come out of your mouth. But they never came! And I still wanted to scream to the world how much I loved you. But you never saw me and you never heard me!

Time passed by. I wonder how you could resist so many years in this lie. Fooling me all the time with the beauty of the world, with the beauty of your eyes. Why did you stay by my side? To tell me you love me when I struggle to die? To tell me to keep alive because you want my children as the ultimate sign of our love? What love?

I want to die. I want to die young! When I still have a little flesh on my bones, when I have a little color on my skin, when my hair it is still curly and natural brown, when you are still in power to find another love.
I don`t want us to grow old, I never wanted thus, I lived day by day and this is what life had come for – a lie of being alive. I am already psychologically dead, you can not bring me to that life again! So, let me die, my darling, let me die young!

Note: PVS= Persistent Vegetative State is not recognized as death in any legal system